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Am I Giving Enough?

August 25th, 2008

Written by Robin Dowdy

Am I giving enough?

Am I doing enough?

Am I being a good enough mother?

These questions plague the serenity of all mothers at one time or another. They hit me when I leave my crying kids and go to work or take time for myself. They assault me when I yell at my kids in anger or when my kids are throwing the tenth or twentieth tantrum of the day over yet another minor detail and I am less than supportive.

While these nagging questions serve many purposes, one of the most important is the chance for me to step back and reflect on how I am being and to reaffirm that, yes, I am giving, doing, and being a good enough mother.

The moments when I feel like I have let my kids down will happen over and over in my life as a mother and there will be many times when, “no” is the answer to the questions above. No, I am not giving, doing, or being enough because I am completely spent. And even in those cases, the answer is still, “yes” because first and foremost, I, and all mothers, am human. We will fail our children again and again. My own faults range from unbearable to minor and they will affect my children’s lives. And, rather than being cause for despair or resignation, this fact is actually a cause for celebrating the love and connection that my faults invite me to embrace.

More important than what my faults are as a mother, is how I handle the situations that arise when they impact my kids. Each instance offers the opportunity for demonstration of what it means to extend and be love in the moments when I am most vulnerable to my own humanity. Admitting my own wrongdoing and asking forgiveness of my children teaches grace and humility. Changing my behavior over time and being transparent about that process builds trust and intimacy. Stopping in the midst of an angry tirade and taking a breath and gathering all in for hugs demonstrates that emotions are transient and though powerful, are not to be feared. Relating to my children’s mistakes and emotional ups and downs with empathy and loving boundaries rather than having to fix them to make my kids look good, teaches them acceptance and trust.

Though it feels awful to let my kids down in any way and I strive to do as little harm as possible, I am regularly reminded that through my being imperfect, I am allowing them to learn how to be with and move through their own imperfections and to know that love is present no matter what. Isn’t that better than having to be perfect and what we all want anyway?