Single Parent on Vacation

August 11th, 2008

• This blog begins a set of entries about being human.  We’re all human, or at least I think we are (my husband sometimes tells me he’s from Pluto and sometimes I think he really might be).  In any case, I believe the more we allow ourselves to be human and support each other from this standpoint, rather than trying to be perfect, the happier and healthier we’ll be.
• I’m in Indiana lake country visiting family with my daughter.  Kent, my husband, needed to be home for work and we’re staying with my 85-year-old grandmother.  So I’m essentially a single parent for the week.
• I love my daughter Amelia more than words could say — honestly.  She is an amazing 4 year old with a loving heart, smart mind and sassy wit.  And, she is 4.  I forget this too often… when I expect her to put her dishes in the sink the first time I ask (rather than the 3rd time when I’m close to yelling), or get dressed quickly so she doesn’t miss her ride to school, or stop squealing in a high-pitched voice over that funny thing I don’t get that she made up.

• Anyway last night, tired and ready for some alone time, I forgot she was 4.  She said she was scared to go get nighttime books by herself.  I knew this cottage was a new place, but the light was on and the books were in plain sight just two steps away!  ”How could you be scared?!  There is nothing to be afraid of!” She pleaded and whined and I found myself raising my voice and threatening “No, I will not go with you.  This is ridiculous! There will be No Books if you don’t get out there and pick them out right NOW!” Amelia cried and I conceded and walked the two steps to the hall where the pile of books lay.
• I was feeling badly as she fell asleep on my shoulder mid-way through the second book, I confessed to the universe my less-than-patient mistakes of the night.  Then I asked for help from the I Ching (my trusted guide).  Question: Why do I get so worked up when I could simply help her?
• Answer:  Hexagram 35 - Progressing - change lines 1 & 3  Note: After many years of the Wilhem Baynes translation, I now like using Carol Anthony and Hannah Moog’s contemporary transmutation;  I CHING, The Oracle of the Cosmic Way.
• There were many nuggets of wisdom about change and growing-up, which I wrote in my journal.  And on page 301 I was hit with a brick.  Line 1  ”This line can point to a person who has been attempting to persuade, use leverage and contrivance, instill guilt, claim that there is something wrong with the other, argue, threaten or use physical force.”
• Yea, this was what I did.  Guilt, persuasion and threats can come out of me faster than a bullet from an AK40.  I suppose I come by it naturally through family, who got it from their family behavior (like a bad gene strain).  No matter why I do it, I know it’s wrong.

• I kissed my sleeping beauty still laying on my shoulder and told her that I’m sorry. Tomorrow I will need to tell her again so she can actually hear it, “Mommy messed up… I need to remember to be patient, even when I’m tired… I love you very much.”

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